Making Amends

As all of you know I am doing the 12 Steps of OA and have now made it to the step where I have to make a list of people that I have harmed in my past. When I first thought about this step I thought oh.. I have to make amends to people that I have harmed by my overeating.. well it is not like that it is making amends to everyone / anyone that I have harmed because of my character defects then it becomes a bit scary. I am nervous because I know that I have caused harm to several people because of behaviors that I have/had.
It is going to be a difficult step for me but one that I know that I will need to do and face things that I am not proud of. I have found so far that I have a habit of sabotaging relationships in my work place. I am really ashamed of some of the behaviors that I recognize now and need to make amends to some ex co workers that may or may not want to talk to me and accept my apology. I want to make every effort to do this so that I can finally let go of some painful memories from my past. As difficult as this step will be I know that it will help me to grow spiritually and rid myself of some negative character defects that I have. I hope after these 2 steps people around me will see the sincerety in me. I am truly sorry for any harm I have caused in my past. As I type this I feel heavy in the heart because of hurt I have brought to others and hope that my apology will give them the peace that I hope to feel.. I know that God is walking me thru this step and will guide me and listen to my prayers. I know his love has no end. I pray that I bring no harm to the people I love...

Excited

I am so excited about something our church is doing ... it is called Dare to Serve.. we are going to serve our community .. Rachel and I have talked about a few ideas and I am so anxious to start. I will also be particpating in the projects that the church has got together. I will be sharing alot of this when it comes closer to the time. Please, do a Random act of kindness to a stranger and see how it makes you feel.

I am going to Brag

Today Duane and I went to meet Jenna for lunch ( she will be 21 on the 5th of May) and we wont be able to see her for her birthday.. we had lunch and sat and talked for a few hours.. I am so proud of her.. she will be graduating a semester early and has such great goals.. she is so driven and dedicated in what she wants to do.. she has decided that she will take some business classes after she graduates and before she goes to get her masters.. she wants to have a diverse resume when she goes out in the workforce. She has such great goals and aspirations and I know that she will reach them. I am soo proud of her and what a awesome young woman she has become. She makes Duane and I both so proud. She is a inspiration and such a blessing to have as our daughter. Some man will be very lucky to find her when it is time... You go girl!!!!

Duane is committed

Duane has decided to jump on the wagon and quit smoking!!!! He also, made a statement last nite that if we all want to be healthy we all have to eat healthy!! Wow, that means so much to me... you see Duane has never had to or wanted to be healthy but by seeing me working at it and eating different kinds of healthy food he is starting to see the light. He has been watching a show called " You are What you Eat" and it is a great visual show.. It is on at 10:00 am. on BBCA Comcast channel 114. It is worth a look.. What I am excited about is the conversation we had this afternoon.. I said to him I am doing this not only for me but for our future grandkids... I said to him by God we are going to cool, fun and the best grandparents and we have to be healthy for them... I think he is getting close to being on board... I am so excited this is something that I wanted him to share with me. I have found that Duane is easier persuaded if I do it gently. So I will continue to inspire him gently... God is working his power it is so awesome.

Dedicated to Rachel, Nicole, and Heather

I have pondered over the past few weeks if doing the Steps has helped me any...I know that it has truly helped me in my faith and trusting in God has gotten stronger.. but other areas I wondered.. for me I want instant results... with working the Steps you don't see the results right away.. but today I really saw how the Steps are working... I had a chance to sit down and really have a honest conversation with Rachel and tell her alot of what I have learned and gained. I also, got to share some of my challenges working and it was good.. I realize that sometimes I hold things in, judge and criticize things that I shouldnt. I have learned that when I wake up in the morning I have to choose which "window" I am going to look out. This means looking out the window that is negative, a window that has positive , or a window that has a whole different view. I have learned that choosing the window that God is showing me to look thru is the best one. I know that some days I may take a peek out that negative window but I am working at pulling the shade down and not even seeing past it.. I have to learn to find positives in everything and have positive thoughts.. I want to be the best that I can be and by being positive and non judgemental I believe that it will keep me in a better state of mind... so if you see me or hear me being any of these things just remind me of that "window" and tell me to close it...

I want to thank Rachel for being such a great and understanding friend and Nicole for helping get to where I am... I believe that God has brought me these two great friends and I truly and blessed... I want to say Heather thanks for your support and your great smile each morning it means alot to me... I am truly blessed..

Relying on God

This week I really have been working on relying on God to guide me ..each morning and evening I ask my Father to help me to open my heart and mind to his plan for me. I am asking him to help me to be "still" and be able to listen to my heart what he has in store for me. The past 7 weeks I have been learning the Steps and the most important thing that I have gotten is to "rely on God " sounds easy doesnt it ? Well if it was easy no one would have problems... Well I have learned that we all have struggles and if we can get past our stubborness and ask God with true genuiness in our hearts he will help us.. he may not do it when we want to or he may never be able to give us what we ask for but we have to remember He is in control NOT us... it is hard to turn ourselves over completely to Him but when we do it is a life altering experience.. I have experiences such peace in the past weeks and I am sure the more I continue to open my heart and mind I will continue to experience the greatest love of all.. that love is from our Heavenly Father and I hope all of you experience this love in your life... so to I say Let Go and Let God.. I promise it will change your life...

I got Carded!!!

Today I stopped by the gas station to get Duane some cigarettes... and I was asked for my I.D. ok so let me glot for a bit... I then looked down and the sign said we card anyone 40 or less. I will take it... I will be 47 this September. I thanked the young man and left with a big grin on my face... That is all I have to share....

Looking Foward to Church

Today we are having communion at church and John our pastor has been hinting that it will be like no other communion we have experienced.. I really am excited and curious to see what he has up his sleeve.. you see the church I attend now is like no other chuch I have experienced and has given me a fresh perspective on being a Christian. I am so fortunate to have this church and the people there.. it has given me a strength and a stronger relationship with God.. no more boring and dull sermons but messages that really teach me how to live each day as a Christian. I am still working on it but I know that I have gained a better relationship with God in the past year.. so this morning I will "break bread" with everyone and experience communion like never before.. I am committed to turning myself over to God completely and following the "plan" that he has for me. Each day is a new day and I have to stop and listen to hear what he has in store for me.. I can't wait to see what he has in store for me...

Looking on the Bright Side

Yesterday I was complaining of the weather here in Minnesota how we havent seen the sun in days, it is still cool, etc... but today I am going to look at our weather here in Minnesota in a postive way... ok so here goes... the longer it takes for it to warm up gives me an advantage.. how you may ask? Well, by staying cool here it gives me more time to lose and that will help me get into my summer clothes (what I have). So I am thinking I have a few more weeks to drop some lbs and I then will be able to slip into my capris and shorts a bit more easily..

I have been chatting with a woman on Dottiesweightlosszone and she has such a positive outlook... wisdom and she told me to write something positive in my journal each day and that I will have the "ease" of accepting myself and will gain this wisdom that I envy in her... her outlook is what I am striving for.. and so I will take her advice and work at it... the best part of meeting this woman is her positive outlook.. and what is awesome is she is what she portrays... even her screen name shows it.. "Harmony" so that is what I want is "harmony" in my life.. this journey is such an amazing trip and each day I am finding and exploring myself.. I can't wait to see where it takes me.. I hope all of you are enjoying the trip.. till next time...

Weight Update

I am down 14.6 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!! It has been 6 weeks on WW and I have lost almost 10% of my weight!! I feel so good. I know I have a way to go but just losing this much so far has made a world of difference... I am in no rush to get to my goal weight I want to continue to take this journey and make it a habit.. a little here and there.. slowly but surely.... I also have not smoked a cigarette since Thursday at 12:45 and I can feel the difference already... my cough is much better and so is my lack of breathing ... I did figure out what triggered my cough.. allergies.. here in Minnesota the allergy count is already high.. it really rose on Wednesday and is still on the rise so I added a Alavert to my daily meds... I decided not to take the steroids and so far I am doing fine.. I just hate the side effects of that stuff.. I am feeling much better today so am going to clean and try and exercise a bit..

I also want to know if anyone knows how to knit.. or crotchet I think I want to learn and it will keep me busy / so that I dont want to eat or smoke.. so if anyone knows how and wants to show me I would love it.. Have a great Saturday...

Doctor Update

Went to dr and he thinks I am having a asthmatic reaction .. he put me on 3 meds and said to see if that helps. if not then could be full blown asthma.... I am hoping that by staying away from cigs and meds will do the trick.. it has been 24 hours without cigs and doing ok.. I just want to breathe without hurting and of course just not coughing my lungs up... I am really sad that I havent been able to work out the past few days.. maybe I will be better by tonite and can do some.. if not will wait till tomorrow.. I may not be able to do hard workout but at least do somethng... I am sooo tired today since I slept about 3 hours last nite... so I am going to take it easy and let these lungs heal..

Smoke Update

I have not smoked since yesterday at 12:45 and dont plan on it.. I had a really rough nite.. maybe slept 3 hours.. I feel like I have done 100 set ups .. my back (upper) hurts from coughing so much... to put it bluntly I feel like shit.. I have a dr's appt at 11:30 today... I am sure that I am going to get a lecture.. I have been putting off quitting and I know that I have asthma if not something worse.. I am such a blockhead I have to have something whack me over the head to get my attention.. well I am listening now.. I just want to breathe normally and stop coughing... I really want to workout today but not sure if that is a possibility will wait and see what doc says.. for anyone out there that smokes stop.. if your thinking of smoking don't.... I am committed to being smoke free... I want to be healthy for myself , family and my future grandbabies. : ) So here I go on another journey..........

Work

Today I went into work for a few hours and it was great.. when I walked in the older kids were like Miss Linda your back!!!!! We missed you!!!! How sweet... the little ones especially Sami really seemed to have missed me.. I sure missed her she is such a little sweetheart... Alot of you know that I really LOVE babies they have a special place in my heart.. Anna was cute I walked in she looked up at me and said, "HI" turned around and was off.. I assume I will be back next week....... just reminds me how much I love my babies....

I Can't Stop Coughing

Today I started having a really bad cough... it really got worse throughout the day.. by the time I got to Nicoles it was ridiculous... poor Nicole trying to read the 6th Step while I was practically coughing up my lungs was I am sure annoying... she was great.. hot tea, hard candy, cough medicine, and cough drops.. to no avail... I got home and did the nebulizer and inhaler and that really helped.. of course I was worn out so came home and took a nap... Of course I know what your thinking.. Linda you smoke... yes I do and I know that is alot of the problem.. I have NOT had a cigarette since 12:45 I am really going to try to quit... having this cough will make it easier because I know that by smoking it will make me go into another coughing spasam ... I have my Commit Logenzes and am using them.. I have to tell you my chest and bronchial tubes HURT and I won't be suprised if I wake up with no voice.... I just hope that I am not getting bronchotis. So everyone think postive thoughts for me... I will take this quit "One Day at A Time" or may "One Hour at A Time" what ever works... till next time..

Love this song

I remember this song from when I was a little girl.. it was song by Doris Day... I know I am showing my age.. the words have such a great message.. for some reason this song popped in my head and would not go away so I thought I would add it to my blog for all of you... you youngns will probably roll your eyes but for all of you that have kids what a great message and song to sing to them... you may have to go and search to hear the tune or you could ask me to to sing the part I know... anyway .. when we are worrying about things remember this song... Que Sera, Sera.... what ever will be will be...................

QUE SERA. SERA
(WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE)
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
here's what she said to me
Que Sera Sera Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
What will be will be
* There's a song that I sing
All the winter, summer, spring
La La La La
La La ................
When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my lover what will there be
Will there be rainbows day after day
here's what he said to me
Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
What will be will be
(* Repeat)
Now I have children of my own
they ask their mother what will I be
Will I be handsome will I be rich
I tell them tenderly
Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be will be
The futures not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
Que Sera Sera
What will be will be
The futures not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
What will be will be
Sing the song
Sing along
Sing the song with me

Play on Words

I am feeling down.... we all know that the word down has meaning meanings.. well 2 of the meanings apply to me... so I feel like my weight is down (meaning number one) and I feel Down (HAPPY ) meaning number 2... now you may ask am I feeling down because I feel down? I love play on words... yes I am sure I am feeling down because I feel like I am down.. but no matter if I am down in weight I am still going to feel down because I know that I have had a great week so far.. so with that I hope you are feeling down.. any defintion is good..

How Amazing!!

Duane is home from the hospital and I am amazed at how well he is doing... we were very fortunate that we found a awesome surgeon.. the technique that he used has cut down the recovery time from 3 months to 4 weeks... he does not have to wear a neck collar and that is amazing.. what they did is remove a disk and replace it with a piece . Duane has lost some strength in his left arm that hopefully will come back... the nerve damage was pretty severe... his next challenge is keeping still and healing .. if you know Duane you know what I mean.. but he will get thru it.. that is what counts.. Duane's brother leaves tomorrow and I have to say it has been great to have him here to walk us thru all of this.. (he is a surgical nurse ) who has done these types of surgeries for years. It has been nice for him and Duane to spend some time together and also for me.. I got to talk to him alot about my new journey in weight loss, OA and WW. He admitted that he once was very closed minded about addiction but over the years has read and researched and does see it differently... I hope that Duane will be able to see what Rick has and understand what I am working for..

With that I am going to close and relax before I start dinner.. oh and by the way isnt it great to see the sun????

I am NERVOUS

I am soooo nervous and scared... of course I know that it is normal but it is always scary when someone you loves goes into surgery... Duane and I have been married 24 years and together 29 years and this is really the first time we have had to deal with this. we have been very lucky to have had good health.. besides the emergency surgery that I had last year on my breast.. but this type of surgery just flat out scares me... I am so glad that Rick is here to sit with me during the surgery he has assisted in this type of surgery many times and that makes me feel better.. The hardest part right now is waiting to go to the hospital we have to be there at 1 and his surgery is at 3 it is going to be a long day of waiting and unknown.. keep Duane in your thoughts and prayers. I know this is going to be a long recovery and patience is not one of my virtues along with Duane not being a good stay still person.. this is going to be a BIG challenge for him... I know we will get thru it but it still is scary... So with that I am going to sign off and spend some time with Duane... again your prayers are appreciated...

I am Blessed

I have found how blessed I am with really good close friends... Rachel, Nicole, Luann & Heather... alot of people think that they needs alot of friends but I find it more important to have a few good close friends... friends that you would do anything for and they would reciprocate for you.. I have seen that this week with the surgery for Duane... Rachel .... 8 1/2 months pregnant left to run the daycare by herself and with help from Tim.. NO hesitation .. just Linda take care of Duane and yourself.. be where you need to be.. Don't Worry!!!! This she said after I had told her that I would not be able to work Monday or Tuesday for sure.. I really hated to call her and tell her this it was soo hard for me... I just didnt want to add in stress to her life.. but without a second thought within 5 minutes she called and said .. we will work it out.. take off next week.. take care of Duane.. those words made me cry... I am blessed to have her as a friend that I work with... Thanks to Rachel and Tim...

Nicole... I know that she will be my rock and help me to stay strong and keep me going on my Steps.. she will be my friend that will keep me going with my strength in God... She will be here for me I know .. Thanks Nicole.

Luann.... She is the friend that I dont get to spend as much time with as I want but I know that I can pick up the phone and call and she will be here no matter what... I miss you Lu ....

Heather: She is my Weight loss support buddy and friend... Her smile brightens my day and her daughter brightens my day... I know her prayers will include Duane and me.. Thanks... Heather..

Confession

Ok this is a confession... I saw my weight today... I have my reasons: 1. I want to know that when I change or add new goals each week if they are working or not.. I want to see if I have certain way that I lose... so I know last week I lost 5.8 lbs WOW!!!! this week only .8 lbs which isnt suprising since I lost that much and I have my monthly visitor. I have done some changes starting last week... more fruits, veges... added 2 days of 20 minutes of hard aerobics.. I also have been having dairy after my workouts.. I know that it takes time for all to show but I want to add something / goal each week.. This week is going to be tough with Duane having surgery but I have decided to get my extra 20 in by walking the hospital steps ... Hope I can get that in.

I promise to everyone that I will only check my weight once a week at WW .... but it is important to me to see my progress...

I saw the pychiatrist Friday and she changed the dosage of my anti depressant and decided to see how that goes... she wants to see me in a month.

Well that is all I want to share with you... till next time.... Think Happy Thoughts..

OHH MY GOD!!!

Ok for you that know me I iron.. not that I like to or want to but HAVE to.... so you may be wondering what this is about... I will tell you.... last week I bought some new place mats... ok you say so what? So today I washed them.... ok you say??? I just took them out of the dryer... ok ??? I have to freaking iron them... who makes place mats that you have to iron... ???? who would look on tag to see if you have to iron???? I bought them at freaking Target.. they are not fancy.... so the ?? your asking me is ??? will I iron them... Yes... I will...... God am I crazy??? You tell me...

Inspired

A friend of mine read my blog and it inspired her to start her own blog... not only that but hopefully it inspired her to really start a new journey into her weight loss. Heather is such a great friend and person who has a adorable little girl that I love to death and I want her to get healthy and enjoy the wonderful person that we all see. I know that not feeling comfortable in your own body... so I am so happy and fulfilled to know that my journey is helping someone..

I also have gotten a few comments from strangers and I want to say thanks to them also, my words are from my heart and soul and I hope that we all can find our "Happy Weight" whatever weight that may be... so all of you do one thing for me this week.. Inspire someone...

Stress in My Life

Well today I took Duane to his appointment to see the surgeon (thank goodness he had the appointment today) he was in horrible pain today. He had a awful nite last nite.. we went out to eat last nite at Applebees and he got food poisoning so he was throwing up violently ( which for a person with damaged disks and nerves is not good) . Anyway the dr had already looked at his MRI and was trying to explain how bad this was .. he could see how much pain Duane was in and took him into his office and said this needs to be taken care of now.. well , after those words Duane just broke down.. from pain, being so worn out from being in pain for 2 weeks and finally hearing that this is going to be fixed. he is going to have surgery on Monday... he finally has some good pain meds... we had to get a physical in today before surgery that went well.. He will be down for about 6 weeks if all goes well.

That is the stress and then to have to call Rachel and tell her was tough.. with Nicole on vacation it was a bad time... I told her I would call her later so we could talk and figure things out .. She called me right back and said dont worry take off you need to be there for Duane.. I am so blessed to have such a great and uderstanding friend to work for.. that will take alot of stress off of my shoulders..

I am making a committment that I will NOT let this bump in the road cause me to get off track.. so just in case keep me to my word... I will keep you updated... Say a prayer...

I Can Feel it!!!!!

I put on a pair of jeans to day and I could feel the difference.. and see the difference in the mirror... it is amazing what 11 lbs does... so i am feeling GOOD!!!!!!Wohooo inspires me and makes me proud of myself.. Giving myself a pat on the back.....

Really want to know

Ok i really really want to know each week what my weight loss is.... I can not get it out of my head.. it is like a reward for me for my hard work during the week... I see psychiatrist on Friday so maybe she will be able to help me with this.. my therapist recommended I see her because of my compulsive behaviors.. hmmm.... good timing... I do not have the urge to weigh at home but it really is tough for me to not know each Saturday... I know I should be pleased with how I am doing and how I am feeling and NOT be concerned with the "Number " but damn it is hard... I will have to work thru it if I am advised NOT to see the numbers weekly..

I am under some stress because Duane will more than likely have to have neck surgery in the next month... it is going to be tough on him and he will be down for at Least 12 weeks... but I know we will get thru it... I know the surgeon will make the right decision... we will know this Friday.... say a prayer...

Facing Myself

The 4th Step is to look at Resentment : which i did and after going over the list of people and what I resented them for I found out some very interesting things about myself: 1. I have fear and to I am Selfish: now going thru this process I kept telling Nicole I am not selfish... but after going thru each statement it was overwhelming... that is hard to face.. i never saw myself as a selfish person.. i am still sorting thru it and have decided to let go of all the resentments in my past and present and give them to God... I am turning them over to him.. I am going to learn to face challenges and problems in a different way .. I have to remember that He is in charge and he knows best.. i can not let these bitter , angry, hurt and fearful feelings bog me down.. that was then this is now...I know this will take alot of work and is easier said than done when someone says " Let go and let God" but that is my new way and I trust in the 12 Steps and the program and will let all it go... I dont know if I want/need to do something symbolic like : burn the pages that I wrote the list on: put the name s of each person on my list and put in a balloon and set sail to the Heavens above. Literally give it to God.... I will let you know what I do... Till next time...

Going DOWN DOWN DOWN!!!!!!

• I went to WW meeting and weighed in and found out how much I have lost in 4 weeks... 11.2 lbs....!!!!!! I am really proud of how I am doing and feel confident that I am on the right track. I know that my next big step will be to add more exercise in.. I am thinking of trying to get in 10 minutes of speed walking in on the days I dont do 45 minute workout. At WW meeting they talked about that and I think it is workable so that is my goal this week... I am also going to add in more veges/fruits to my diet. I foundmyself getting carried away with how much I will have lost by the time I go to Florida.. it really blows my mind how much numbers and knowing it makes me crazy...that is why I think this is a great plan for me.

I am going to pychiatrist this week to talk with her about the obsessive/ compulsive behaviour that I have.. not only numbers but exercising.. I know that once I lose more weight I will become compulsive with exercising as well as eating so therapist thinks their may be medication that may help me.. will keep you updated ..

I am also on the 5 Step in the program.... it is a hard one.. I have to make a list of people/friends/family/business etc... that I feel resentful of .. past and prestent and it has effected me in different ways... Nicole tells me it will be very revealing when we go thru it.. I am seeing a pattern.. it was very hard to write negative things about people who you care about but I am sure that other people that care for me resent me for things... it is very eye opening... I think discussing it openly will be very emotional and raw... i am aprehensive but curious at the same time... Nicole promises me that going thru these 12 Steps will be the best thing that I have done not only for me but for everyone around me...

Church today was great....the message really blended with what I am doing in the program.. John even said several times that God is in control... He has a plan.... I am really grasping this concept however hard it is... turning myself completely over to God... why should it be so hard?? God is the Supreme Being and what He has done for me should show that I should trust him whole heartedly... but He also knows that we are human and we struggle daily but He never turns his back on me.. The song today at church was perfect... You've Got A Friend ... I never thought of that song being about God but it is to me.. it was inspirational and I want to read those words daily.... I ask you all to take the time and look up the lyrics to that song and really read it and apply the word "friend" as God... you will Never listen to that song the same again... till next time..