Down Down Down

I am so pleased with myself.. I weighed in today and was down again..yea.... the person who weighed me in said i needed to take 1 point off my daily intake.. i was like ok..so then i went into meeting and was talking to a lady that comes to the same meeting every saturday and started the same time.. she asked i was doing and i told her.. she then asked how much i had lost then i explained that i didnt get to see the number she then remembered me from the classes before.. so anyway when i told her that they told me to take a point away she said oh well that means you are down at least 10 lbs.. so with that info I can take it for what it is worth.. i do recall the lady that weighs me said your doing GREAT!!!!

Now before I even knew that I felt that I was doing great by the way my clothes were feeling a bit loose.. I had decided that I was going to find out my number next Saturday anyway.. I am so happy with the way things are going.. I am relying so much on my faith and all the other support that I have surrounded myself with..

I have found that by planning meals has been a real bonus. along with planning and researching different recipes.. also, when we go out I research what is available at the restaraunt.. Last nite we went to Ruby Tuesday's and had the steak baked potato and a salad and did have some of Duane's dessert..

I have been trying alot of new recipes and I think Duane and Nick are enjoying that.. I am too. so this week we will try some new recipes and add on some more time to working out.. I hope the weather gets nicer so that I can walk. Well gonna run.. until next time..

Down but Not Out

I hurt my back on Wednesday morning so moving kinda slow... didnt do work out today but will try tomorrow... moving may help the stiffness so I will do it and take my time... I will NOT let this slow me down..



Met with therapist on Wednesday and she is really pleased at how I am doing.. so am going to stop going once a week... I will see her after I see pychiatrist for medication evalutation. I also went o regular dr today ... told nurse before she weighed me that I didnt want to see the number.. kinda crazy standing on scale with my eyes closed but hey if it works.. Dr was pleased to see that since I was there I had lost weight.. she also could see the difference in me..I am so grateful to have such a awesome dr that is open and supportive..



Started on 3rd Step.. great to go thru this step lots of eye opening revelations.. alot of things that AO asks I jsut dont think I can commit to but I have made a committment to myself , God and Nicole that I will continue weekly meetings at WW ..stay within my point amount that WW gives me.. I believe that making these committments to myself will make this a lifetime plan that I will be able to acomplish my goals... I know that my goals will change thru this jouney but for now I will strong and confident. Most importantly, living One Day at A Time" will get me thru today and each day that follows...

Step 3

Today Nicole and I went thru step 3 it was a very thought provoking and discussion step.. each week Nicole and I are able to share our thoughts and experiences and give each other support and advice on different things.. we both are in agreement that totally accepting the OA committment may not be for us.. why because they ask that you abstain .. but their definition to that is 3 meals a day only... for both of us that just doesnt seem to be something that we both can fully commit to... I made a committment to her to follow the 12 Steps. the 2nd and most important .. is to put God first every day.. the 2nd is to stick to the guidelines of WW. to stay within my points alloted to me at the given time.. I believe as I continue this journey I will be able to add more committments.. but for now I am going to commit to those and to take it One Day at A Time..

I pondered if I should go check out a meeting but after today I think that I am going to continue what I am doing now.. who knows.. maybe I will start my own support group.. because I know that there are many out there just like me that struggle.. but I do believe if I really delve into WW and contine with my spirtual guidance with Nicole and OA's materials I will benefit in so many ways... so for now.. I am at ease with my decisions and my goals.. and most importantly with me and how I am traveling this journey... I am learning so much about myself and seeing how strong I am and with the help of God and his guidance I feel like I am finally "home" .. ahhh what a great place to be....

Easter Sunday

Today was a great service at church ... I love the music and the words of the songs it really gets my spirits lifted... after we went to Buca's ... I had the penne with spicy sausage and a salad.. I didnt eat it all maybe half.. it is hard to gage and put points.. i found one on WW site and added it.. I also ate a few bites of cheesecake and that was harder to stop eating but I did... hmmm it was good... so for sure I will be eating something healthy /lite tonite... BiG salad.. and extra time on treadmill... What I learned today is woa I would have probably ate all what I ordered along with hoer derves and my dessert on my own.. so today was good... I took it slow and easy enjoyed myself and did NOT over stress about it.. it was EAster and I was with my family.. we had a really fun dinner and lots of laughing ... that is always so fun with the kids... Jenna always laughs so hard when she is around Nick. not to say we dont either....For me nothing is better than laughter and good times with all of us together... Till next time....

Down Again!!

Went to meeting this morning and met Brooke and her friend.. it was nice to get to know some people I didnt really like this meeting time way way to big.. felt very rushed.. so even though I would like to get to know Brooke better I dont think it will be a time that I go to alot... But it was inspiring to see she is down 25 lbs.. along with another who was down 10% of his weight.. I really feel so inspired and am learing so much..

Today we were told that by drinking milk after working out has huge benefits.. helps lose weight better.. now I am NOT a milk drinker so I bought some of WW Smoothie Mixes and just had one and it was YUMMY!!!! So I will be adding this in to my daily menu... This week I am hoping that Iwill be able to up my treadmill time by 15 minutes... I cant believe how out of shape I am in. but hey I will get there... I broke my ankle years ago and it really gives me problems even on my elyptical so when I go to dr going to have her get xray and see if there is a problem.. I can really feel the pain when BIG rain or Snow is coming and as all of you know whe have had a lot of snow this week... I am sure by getting the weight off me that will help but just want to make sure..
Well tonite I am going to Buca's for dinner and have already planned what I am going to have.. and do... I dont want to ever feel uncomfortable in a restaraunt and by being prepared that will take the discomfort out. Easter will not be a big deal I will probabley do omelettes and toast after church... not going to worry about it . Have a Happy Easter will check in soon.

Sharing

Today was a great day... except I woke up to about 6 inches of wet heavy snow... more came thru the morning.. Welcome Spring!!!!!

I go on a website that has a chat room for people who are doing WW and have chatted with some regulars for the past weeks.. there is one woman who calls herself OneDayAtATime... so we have clicked.. she has been struggling and today she said something that made me want to share a quote from my OA meditation book.. " A mile is a trial, A inch is a cinch.." One Day at a Time.. it really helps me to read these quotes and also to share with others.. you see I know that I am a addict to food and each day that I continue to accept it makes my journey so much easier. to know that I have God to get me thru.. before I prayed that I would lose the weight etc.. but today I pray for God to give me strength to trust him . I feel so less stressed during this journey unlike the other times.. I am not looking at the future but taking "one day at a time" and today has been good.. I will thank God tonite for that and thank him in the morning for that day and so on.. So with that I wish you all a peaceful evening and a bright tomorrow.

I weigh in tomorrow.. hope I dont have another conversation with myself in the bathroom.. I get to meet my new WW buddy tomorrow so maybe I can just talk to her... Will keep you updated..

Promises

I made a promise to myself on Tuesday and forgot to post... as I was walking my treadmill I was thinking about what fitness club I should join. I then talked to myself (becoming a habit) and made a deal with myself. I will not join any fitness club until I reach my goal weight. I have plenty of equipment at home along with all kinds of work out CD's that I can use until then along with just being able to walk when the weather gets better. Why you may ask? Well right now I am paying a monthly fee to be in WW and when I meet my goal weight I will be a Lifetime member and the fee will be free... so at that point I can use that money and join a club.. I have spent soooo much money on weightloss and clubs in my past I want to make the right decision each step at time.. and that will be a reward for me... !!!! Also, I have some time to research different places and make the right choice for me.. there are so many to choose from these days.. and I need to find the right fit for me and one that I will use. I have always loved Dakotah Sport and Fitness for their classes and as of right now I am no where physically in the shape to do some of the classes so I can work on that between now and then. So I have put it out there for all to know my goal and promise so make sure you hold me to it.. if you hear me talking about joining someplace remind me .. Thanks...

I also, have connected thru WW forums a new member that attends Saturday meetings... which is really nice.. She goes at 9 am on Saturdays... I on the other hand go to the next one (later) I really want to meet her and become a buddy but Saturday's are my only day that I DONT have to wake to an alarm .. soooo.. right now I am on the edge on what I am going to do... I know it would be best to get up and go but I do LOVE to sleep in one morning a week... but maybe I will give it a try because she may be a really awesome person and I would hate to miss out on a oppurtunity of meeting someone that would inspire me.. she also has a friend that is a Lifetime Member and that is awesome.. so as I right this I think I will say yes to Saturday at 9 am ... so I will get to meet Brooke... You know God always brings us people that he wants in our lives so maybe I need to listen to his little nudge... something that I am still working on but these days he is making it easier to follow his path... so here I go ... till next time..

Feeling Good!!!

Today I met with my therapist and had a really great session.. we talked about alot of things but what really brought out my emotions was talking about Wade who killed himself and was a addict. I shared with her what I had felt and how it effected my way of looking and judging people without giving them a chance. I always felt I was a compassionate person until I experienced his memorial. She said it was good to be able to see past all that and learn from it. She also explained that right now I am so open and raw to things and that is why I am so emotional about things..

I told her that this time with my weight loss journey I feel so calm.. she asked why? I said because I have reached out and found support for now and for a lifetime.. With OA. I feel so blessed to have found the 12 Steps and Nicole who is so open and helpful. I just feel that God has brought me to a place in my life that I have opened my eyes to all the help and support that he has given me.

I told her that when I found OA it felt like I was "home" but just didnt know how to put it into words but saw it in writing in Step 2 and it really brought me to tears... I am thankful for finding this program and I thank God each morning and nite for OA and its promise.

Short and Simple

I went out to dinner last nite for Nick's hockey banquet ... I was a bit nervous but I did watch what I ate all day and had a bag of popcorn (1 POINT ) before... so I ate the salad with really yummy dressing.. took a bite of Jenna's roll roast beef and mashed potatoes and steamed veges.. all in all it was a good healthy dinner.. I didnt eat all of mashed potatoes or beef... I drank lots of water and when dessert came I said NO thanks... I had coffee with creamer and when Duane was done with his dessert I ate his last bite and that was enough!!!! So I really didnt feel denied at all.

Today I was hungry this morning ... not sure if by watching what I ate so carefully made a difference but I did work thru it.. had a banana.. yougart... handful of cheerios... some pretzels.. healthy choices...

Dinner I had made a pot of chili before my new eating plan but I had a ladel full along with 3/4 cups of noodles and a salad... it filled me up .. it is amazing looking back but before I probably ate 4 cups of noodles and 3 ladels of chile with crackers.. hmmm wonder what that says ..???

I am excited to meet with Nicole tomorrow and go over my answers from my workbook on the first step.. I am feeling such a relief it is so wonderful.. the answer that I have been looking for is OA.. and I feel everything is falling in place.. God is helping me find my path.. I am sure he has been pointing me to the path for years but I must have had blinders on.. so I thank you Lord for having patience and faith in me.. Till tomorrow ... One Day at A Time..

I WAS DOWN !!!!!

I went to my WW meeting today and going in I was ok.. I called one of the women behind the counter who had weighed me in last week and told her about not knowing how much I had lost she said fine.. So I went and weighed in and I was down... I have to say it really isnt as exciting as when you hear the number but I was glad I was down... do I sound convincing???? So then I go to sit down and then went into the bathroom and I had a freaking conversation with myself (more like a arguement) I really really need to know that number... no you dont.. yes I do it is not fair.. blah blah... I then ended it with saying a quick prayer and thanking God for this day and asked him for strength.. It worked!!! I shared with the WHOLE group about weighing in not knowing my numbers and how anxious it made me feel.. but I did get alot of claps and saying good for you.. so I know in the long run this is the right way to go... but boy oh boy I didnt realize how obsessed I truly am with numbers when it comes to my weight.. so I am celebrating that I had a great week day by day... that is what counts...

Juding

Last nite I went to a memorial service for an aquaintance who had committed sucide. I went because it was the "right" thing to do.. for going to make an appearance and leave. I found out that there was going to be a"memorial service"at 8 so I decided to stay... at that point I was curious.. now I realize that God kept me there... why some may ask.. because this man was a addict to alchol that had struggled for years to stay sober... as I listened to a preacher that had become this mans best friend in the past few years and found out what kind of man Wade was and the many facets he had I was truly ashamed.. because I had always judged this man as the drunk.. the man that lost his business because of his addictions.. it really put in perspective that I never tried to get to know Wade but only judged him for his weaknessess. If I had taken the time to get to know him I could have found out what a passionate man he was.. his passion for music, hunting, fishing and God. Now the passion for God came in the past years but in those few years he opened the Bible and was in awe...he wrote about his struggles and how the Bible helped him thru... he had faith in God (strong faith) as recent as February and had recorded in writing.. what pulled at my heart is what made him lose faith in such a short time? He had been sober.. but in past week before he took his life he had slipped.. but he knew God would forgive him and carry him... what what brought him to the day that he took a gun and took a drive and took his life? We will never know what despair or shame he felt those last minutes of his life.. but I do know that even though God doesnt want us to take our life that he was waiting for him.. I know that he is not struggling now. I know that maybe just maybe if Wade would have put God first that morning that he got up and reached out to him that maybe things would be different.. But for now I want to say to Wade and his family that I am sorry that I judged him for what I though he was and that I didnt look farther or deeper for the man that loved God... and wanted more... I wish you peace Wade...

Update on Goals

I met with therapist today and decided on some things... 1. I will not see my weight when I weigh in at WW I will be asking them to tell me when I am up, down, or stayed the same.. I can not get into the number game.. I am doing this for myself, my health and happiness and I dont want a number to gage this..

We did decide on a goal weight so that when I do make my goal I will be a lifetime member and be able to keep going to meetings and weigh ins ( monthly).

I have to say for me this is going to be very hard not knowing the number.. and even typing it now makes me very nervous .. uneasy but with the help of my therapist, OA and WW I think I will overcome this fear and hmmmm. trust in others.. so with that I am committed to this decision for now I may visit it again in a few months find out where I am at and stop seeing the numbers again ..... but will have to wait. as I am learning...I have to take this "One Day at a Time"

Trust is...

freedom from FEAR .. one of the steps of OA.. from one of my daily reading books was a assignment .. that is to write on trust.. as I think about this and how it applies to my addiction to food I wonder if I dont trust myself with food and when I think I am trusting myself it is during a time when I am in a very structured setting.. ie.. Nutri System... New Day or my low cal diets. It is if I cant trust myself to be in control without written instructions.. so trust with food is an issue. yes ...

I have always had a issue with trust since my parents divorced I can remember saying " if I couldn't trust my parents in keeping our family together how can I trust anyone?" When I met Duane and we really got serious I had a issue with opening up to him and trusting him.. I told him then that I only could trust myself and I could figure things out on my own as I always did. We worked thru this in our years of dating and I can truly say now I trust Duane with my life and he is my rock.

I am learning that trust is something I will have to have in the program and I feel so excited to finally let go of my fears and let God guide me each day ..

I can say that I trust my sponsor (you know who you are) because she has such a faith in AA and in God that I know she will be there for me as I go thru each step.

I know that I can trust Rachel to be honest with mean and be the friend that I need in my life ... and for that I thank her..

I trust my kids to support me in whatever I do...

Last but not LEAST I trust God to be my guiding lite and that He Loves me.

The New Melody in My Heart is.....

the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. That is how I feel today right now.. why you ask ?? I met with my friend and I started the 12 Step Program for Overeaters Anonymous.. (OA).. it was so uplifting to read the first step and see myself in so much of the words on the page. I am NOT ALONE.. it is not my fault.. I have a disease and that is I am a Addict to food... some may think yea right what ever but it has controlled me , my life, my soul for too long and I am not going to let it do it any more.. I know that this will be a hard journey but I also know that I can take it one day at a time.. yes I may fall but I know that I have God to help me get up and keep on going.. I know that I have support of my friends and family and they will be there for me but I know that God is my support my life line and I am reaching out to him and asking him to guide me.. for that I am so blessed.

I am feeling positive that I am on the right track.. small baby steps.. literally.. i walked with Nicole today and God help me I am so out of shape.. but you know what I made it.. and the next time it WILL be easier. I meet with my therapist tomorrow and I really hope that I have a good session. I need to help find the demon that has possesses my soul .. I have to be patient and work thru these days but I feel confident that I will find it and if I dont then God has other plans and I will need to be "still" and listen for his words.. hmmm patience not my best virtue but I am learning.. To all that are helping me thru this journey I cant thank you enough and I do believe that God brought me to you and he does have a plan.. I can't wait to see what he has in store for me.. Till next time...

Starting New Habits

Today was a good day... I started out with a cup of coffee and my creamer but fat free and only half a cup.. seemed to work . I drank all my water today by 7:00 PM... ONLY had 2 sodas.. ok so I did have iced tea but give me a break I mean all who know me know how MUCH I drink.. I am getting the hang of the WW point system and have been pleasantly suprised at how much a point really is . SWEET!!! I went to the store and bought stuff for breakfast and lunch made good choices.. I also bought snack stuff but in the 100 packets.. as far as dinner stuff I am going to not make major changes but healthier ways to cook.. The main thing is NOT to eat fast food.. make due with what I have to eat at home... if Duane / Nick want that stuff that is fine but I need to stay away from it... so that is my soapbox on food.. I did get on the treadmill today and did 20 minutes.. so 1 point for me.. literally I get 1 extra point for exercising.. which may not mean alot but I was shocked at the things I can have that is worth one point.. so everything is going good.. I did start feeling like I wanted to get obsessive about some things but I just keep talking myself out.. good thing I am going to see therapist on Wednesday... Well that is it for today... Steady as she goes...

1st step

Well today I went to Weight Watchers meeting and weighed in.. the number on the scale was not a suprise except i was actually down 2 lbs from when I went to dr a week ago.. anyway I have to say I am kinda confused at the point system but I am sure I will get it.. I have always counted calories or allowed myself 4 carbs 4 meats 2 dairy etc.. so this may take a bit.. but I am going to take baby steps and until i really get the hang of it I will do as best that I can. I will combine the point system with my know how.. It was a good meeting and there were two newbys that we seemed to relate to each other.. I think I will continue to go to Burnsville for my main meetings and if I cant make a Saturday I can always go to Shakopee location. Steady as she goes... I also went to the Communtiy Group and it was good I just dont know if I will commit to it as of now.. too much on Saturday's ... I am reaching out to a friend of mine that is in AA and asking her to kinda help me look at my food as an addiction and to work with me on following the 12 step program on my own with her guiding me.. we will see. I see my therapist on Wednesday and I think it will be good timing because I feel myself getting wanting to obsess over this already and this is not what I want to do.. I want to do this the right way this time and not get into the numbers game , the exercise phantom life.. my new motto is " Steady I Go" One Day at a Time... I will keep you posted... the amount of weight that I want to lose is about 50 lbs.. but at WW they say lets start with 20% for first goal... So I am going to share with you my goals for this week: 2 Sodas only a day..Big goal for me... drink more water.. walk treadmill 3 times this week. So all you out there hold me accountable.. Till next time..

The Beginning of my journey

I have begun the beginning of my weight loss journey..I have checked out one weight loss support group (TOPS) and even though I connected with the group I just didnt feel it was enough for me at this time. So tomorrow I am going to check out a Weight Watchers meeting. After talking with Rachel (friend) who also has struggled with her weight I feel that WW may be what I need. You see I know how to lose the weight but my downfall is keeping it OFF.. so I need a support group along with something that will hold me accountable. So after tomorrow I will decide if WW is for me. Along with weight loss groups I have decided to check out a community group for women thru my church (Meadow Springs ) that will also be tomorrow. I hope to find a kinship with these women and support for many other issues that I suffer from. ( I'll get into that a bit more next time). I also have talked with another great friend that is in AA and have found that my addiction is food. So with that I am getting some information on OverEaters Anonomys. I am excited and scared to begin this journey once again because I want so much to succeed for a lifetime.. I dont want to go into this as a DIET but as a lifestyle change not only for me but for my family.. so with that I invite you to join me in my journey and share your thoughts and views and please be honest.